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(Minor lyrics corrections, added credit to Robbie for writing)
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==Lyrics==
 
==Lyrics==
 
<blockquote>
 
<blockquote>
Fresh out of college, with grades straight from Hell,<br> 
+
Fresh out of college, with grades straight from Hell,<br>
I browsed for a trade at which I could excel.<br> 
+
I browsed for a trade at which I could excel.<br>
An ad for a ship in need of some manning,<br> 
+
An ad for a ship in need of some manning,<br>
Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain.<br> 
+
Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain.<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!<br> 
+
What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!<br>
A few white lies later, I ran down the pier.<br> 
+
A few white lies later, I ran down the pier.<br>
Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two,<br> 
+
Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two,<br>
Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew:<br> 
+
Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew:<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
{Chorus}<br> 
+
{Chorus}<br>
 
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!<br>
 
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!<br>
 
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!<br>
 
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!<br>
 
Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!<br>
 
Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!<br>
 
Trust me, I'm in control!<br>
 
Trust me, I'm in control!<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
I can’t sing the shanties, it has to be said,<br> 
+
I can’t sing the shanties, it has to be said,<br>
And all of that grog just goes right to my head.<br> 
+
And all of that grog just goes right to my head.<br>
Whale meat is gross and I miss a girl’s laugh.<br> 
+
Whale meat is gross and I miss a girl’s laugh.<br>
Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!<br> 
+
Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
{Chorus}<br> 
+
{Chorus}<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
We’ve hit icy waters, no land to be seen.<br> 
+
We’ve hit icy waters, no land to be seen.<br>
The food’s getting low and the beer has gone green.<br> 
+
The food’s getting low and the beer has gone green.<br>
There’s murmurs of discontent under the deck.<br> 
+
There’s murmurs of discontent under the deck.<br>
If I don’t act fast, it could be my neck!<br> 
+
If I don’t act fast, it could be my neck!<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines<br> 
+
So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines<br>
I see what it says but no clue what it means!<br> 
+
I see what it says but no clue what it means!<br>
Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains,<br> 
+
Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains,<br>
Feign a bad back til we’ve landed again.<br> 
+
Feign a bad back 'til we’ve landed again.<br>
<br> 
+
<br>
{Chorus x3}<br> 
+
{Chorus x3}<br>
 
<br>
 
<br>
 
(Final Chorus)<br>
 
(Final Chorus)<br>
 
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! (Huh?)<br>
 
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! (Huh?)<br>
 
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! (BLOODY HELL!)<br>
 
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! (BLOODY HELL!)<br>
Turn hard to port! (This is SHERRY!) Now I've got it! (Screaming) <br>
+
Turn hard to port! (This is SHERRY!) Now I've got it! (Screaming)<br>
 
Trust me, I'm in control! (MOMMY)<br>
 
Trust me, I'm in control! (MOMMY)<br>
 
<br>
 
<br>

Latest revision as of 05:59, 25 September 2020

"Hoist up the Thing" is the first track on the 2020 album Cures What Ails Ya. Written by Robbie Sattin, this is a Longest Johns Original.

It weaves a comedic story of an inexperienced fraud posing as a sea captain to hilarious effect.

Lyrics

Fresh out of college, with grades straight from Hell,
I browsed for a trade at which I could excel.
An ad for a ship in need of some manning,
Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain.

What luck, says I, to find such good fortune!
A few white lies later, I ran down the pier.
Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two,
Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew:

{Chorus}
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit!
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it!
Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it!
Trust me, I'm in control!

I can’t sing the shanties, it has to be said,
And all of that grog just goes right to my head.
Whale meat is gross and I miss a girl’s laugh.
Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch!

{Chorus}

We’ve hit icy waters, no land to be seen.
The food’s getting low and the beer has gone green.
There’s murmurs of discontent under the deck.
If I don’t act fast, it could be my neck!

So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines
I see what it says but no clue what it means!
Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains,
Feign a bad back 'til we’ve landed again.

{Chorus x3}

(Final Chorus)
Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! (Huh?)
What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! (BLOODY HELL!)
Turn hard to port! (This is SHERRY!) Now I've got it! (Screaming)
Trust me, I'm in control! (MOMMY)

Trust me, I'm in control!