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This song debuted during the February 2020 livestream where it was announced to be one of the new tracks on a forthcoming album. It became the 11th track on the 2020 album Cures What Ails Ya.

It was written as a mockery of the tendency for shanty singers to have to face criticism about their appearance, and the numerous outlandish qualifiers for being a member of a shanty band. The call back of "Big Chest!" is very likely a reference to the chorus traditional folk song "Big Man Sylvest" which often relies upon the audience to shout "Big Chest" after the line "A row of fourty medals on his chest."

It was written by Dave Robinson and Robbie Sattin as a collaborative effort and as such is a Longest Johns Original.

Lyrics

These lyrics are based on the version sung by the Longest Johns in their livestream.

I once met a man who said he was a fan
he wanted to sing in my shanty band
but the bottom of his face looked weird (SO WEIRD!)
There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared
from his crown to ear he was most sincere
But you can't sing shanties if you got no beard!

(Chorus)
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!

I once met a girl who heard sea songs
she came to the show and she sang along
but the timing of the shout was slow (SO SLOW!)
So graced with a face like the morning glow
But her holler was a blow from the very front row said:
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'HO'!

(Chorus)
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!',
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
Can't shout 'ho!', can't shout 'ho!',
You can't sing shanties if you can't shout: 'ho'!
and you've got no beard!

I once met a guy on a weird machine,
had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen
He was shouting from a pad of notes (NO NOTES!)
and the wheels got caught on his overcoat
and he fell from the pier clawing at his throat
so: you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat

(Chorus)
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat,
Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat!
You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat,
and you can't shout: 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

I once met a bloke on a tavern floor,
he'd had ten beers but i had ten more,
And his piggy little face was pink, (SO PINK!)
He tried to shout the words but t'were all out of sync,
with a voice so bad it'll make you think that:
you can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink.

(Chorus)
Can't hold your drink, you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
Can't hold your drink you can't hold a drink
You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink
and you don't own a boat, and you can't shout: 'ho!'
and you've got no beard!

I once met a sailor all big and broad
with an eye-patch, parrot, and a long curved sword,
Had a chest like a powder keg (BIG CHEST)
But he had both shoes and he smelled like eggs,
I expect he would look better with a wooden peg,
'cause you can't sing shanties if you got two legs.

(Chorus)
Got two legs, you've got two legs,
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs,
Got two legs, you've got two legs,
You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs,
and you can't hold your drink, and you don't own a boat,
and you can't shout 'ho!', and you've got no beard!

-Well Anna's got no beard
--and Dave: he has a bike
---Robbie's father-in-law has boats but won't sing on the mic
---And JD can't shout HO because his wife takes much offense
---And Andy's got two beautiful hair-ry-LEGS
--BUT. There's no reason good enough not to join us.
-So sing along with the very last CHO-RUS!

TWO-THREE-FIVE
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard!
Got no beard, you've got no beard!
You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard
And you've got two legs, and you can't hold your drink,
and you don't own a boat, and you can't shout 'ho!',
and you've got no beard!

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