Last Bristolian Pirate

An authorized adaptation of Canada's own Arrogant Worms classic "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate", the Longest Johns rewrote a significant amount of the lyrics in order to make it work for Bristol, while managing to maintain the impact of a number of the jokes scattered throughout the song.

Though, admittedly, the replacement of Regina with Severn for the chorus takes out some of the impact, given the punchline of using Regina is that it is an almost wholly landlocked city.

Last Bristolian Pirate appears as a live recording on the physical release of Bones in the Ocean. It also appears as a track in the 2020 album Cures What Ails Ya.

Lyrics
These lyrics are based on the version performed by the Longest Johns in their Livestreams, the original lyrics can be found here.

Oh I used to be a farmer, and I made a living fine

I had a little stretch of land along the western line

But times were hard and though I tried the money wasn't there

and bankers came and took my land and told me: "fair is fair."

I looked for every kind of job the answer always: "no"

"Hire you now?", they'd always laugh, "we just let twenty go"

The government they promised me a measly little sum

But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum

And I said: "who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone

I'm going to be a pirate on the river Severn!"

(Yarr-har-har!)

{Chorus} And it's a- heave-ho hi-ho

Coming down the plains

Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains

And it's a- ho-hey hi-hey farmers bar your doors

When ya see the jolly roger on the Severn's mighty shores

You'd think the other farmers would know that I'm at large

But just the other day I saw an unsuspecting barge

I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser

I rammed their boat and sank it and I stole the fertilizer!

The bridge outside of Redwick spans a mighty river

Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver

Cause they know that Tractor Jack is hiding in the bay (Yarr-har-har!)

I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold

And sail off with their hay!

{Chorus}

Well officer Robbie chased me, he was always at my throat

But he followed on the shoreline cause he didn't own a boat

But cut backs were a-coming and the copper lost his job

And now he sails with us and we call him salty Rob!

A swinging sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company,

I'll never pay my income tax and screw the VAT (screw it!)

Sailing out past Oldbury, the terror of the seas

If you wanna get to Tesco boys, you've gotta get by me!

{Chorus}

Well pirate life's appealing, but you don't just find it here

I hear that up in Yorkshire there's a band of buccaneers

They roam around the Yorkshire dales from Smith to Beverley

And you're bound to lose your flat cap if you have to pass their way

Winter is a-coming and a chill is in the breeze

My pirate days are over if the rivers start to freeze

But I'll be back in springtime and now I've got to fly

I hear there's lots of plundering down in the Isle of Wight

{Chorus x2}

When ya see the jolly roger on the Severn's mighty shores (Hey!)