Hoist up the Thing

"Hoist up the Thing" is the first track on the 2020 album Cures What Ails Ya. Written by Robbie Sattin, this is a Longest Johns Original.

It weaves a comedic story of an inexperienced fraud posing as a sea captain to hilarious effect.

Lyrics
Fresh out of college, with grades straight from Hell, I browsed for a trade at which I could excel. An ad for a ship in need of some manning, Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain. What luck, says I, to find such good fortune! A few white lies later, I ran down the pier. Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two, Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew: {Chorus} Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! I can’t sing the shanties, it has to be said, And all of that grog just goes right to my head. Whale meat is gross and I miss a girl’s laugh. Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch! {Chorus} We’ve hit icy waters, no land to be seen. The food’s getting low and the beer has gone green. There’s murmurs of discontent under the deck. If I don’t act fast, it could be my neck! So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines I see what it says but no clue what it means! Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains, Feign a bad back 'til we’ve landed again. {Chorus x3} (Final Chorus) Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! (Huh?) What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! (BLOODY HELL!) Turn hard to port! (This is SHERRY!) Now I've got it! (Screaming) Trust me, I'm in control! (MOMMY) Trust me, I'm in control!